CBC Valentine’s Day Post – Chapter 7 – Ahalya Ramanathan

This is a chain love story as a part of CBC (Chennai Bloggers Club) chain story relay. In this we write a love story as this month is for love. 20 Bloggers will write one chapter of a love story to make a beautiful love story. :)   How do you know it will be a beautiful story? Never mind, Love stories are beautiful.

Catchup with the previous 6 chapters HERE


Chapter 7

CBC Post Pic

Ahalya Ramanathan

I know I’m letting in things to myself. This is weird to me. There have been times in my life when I wished I had someone for me –someone who can be with me forever. But this new change in my life which I’ve let it happen is completely out of circumstances. I should have let him go and never allowed him to gauge the subtle perturbations of my heart that seeks compensational affection that I’m exerting out of him. He is honest, lovable and someone who can be trusted. Not just because I’ve spent some three hours of my waiting time chatting away in glory with him, but something in me that involuntarily drifted my senses towards him.

After all the hearty conversations, I have become conscious again – conscious of not wanting to get hurt, to suffer another insomnia.

Those sleepless nights which I’ve spent could never get back to me. The nights have not only been wasted but also have been sacrificed and cruelly crushing my tormenting soul that was wrecked three years ago. I didn’t want to sink into the shallowness of the heart. But somewhere deep in that shallow heart, there is a void that yearns to be filled.

As the flight was wallowing in the dark layers of ‘up above the world so high’, drifting through the cloudy sky, weariness caught in, drifting me to a tranquilized sleep as I gave in to the calmness of the wee hours of the night.

***

“Stop it Ahalya, enough, enough of it. Stop this nonsense” my heart reverberated entirely hearing those cantankerous squalls from Varun.

I couldn’t help wet my cheeks, as tears rolled down my eyes, as to what nonsense for him was my own sweet world which I chose to share with him. The only reason I accepted him in my life is because he promised me of his commitment. He assured me that he will never let me down and will accept me as how I am, though I was ready to do anything for him – for he was so truly madly deeply in love with me as how I was with him.

The first time I met him in the office campus was an accident. It was a quarrel that initiated our conversation.

It was quarter past eleven post meridian and the second shift cab to drop us at our residences was pregnant with three people, who belonged to the same route and there he came running to board the cab. When he yanked the door open, the driver gave a smirk.

‘Which route sir?’ the driver asked politely.

‘Villivakkam’

‘What, Villivakkam is not in the route and it cannot be clubbed,’ the driver rebuked.

“I’ll talk to transport admin guys” pat came the reply from him.

I was so irritated with this guy who came in at the last moment and now delaying our departure. The admin asked our cab to be parked in the in the corner, till this issue was sorted out.

After an uneasy wait for fifteen minutes, the transport admin announced to our cab, ‘Anna Nagar drop, please get down, we will arrange another cab’

Damn! Why should I get down when this cab is allocated to me? I spoke to admin out of inertial raging mind, in a way which he himself couldn’t give me a plausible reason for his stupid reasoning. After much of heated exchanges, I was allocated a cab with him, informing me that I’ll be dropped in my residence first and then he will be dropped.

We both occupied an Indica with an uncomfortable air of restlessness settled in the atmosphere. As I entered my name in the trip sheet, I saw his name – Varun V with his employee ID and his project name with the destination route written in a scribbled calligraphy. He was giving the directions to the driver as he was new to this route. He was also giving company to driver’s night ride with his knowledge of traffic congestion and diversion in the Anna Nagar area. As our route has become a routine one, we were allocated the same cab every other shift out time.

In this period, we got ourselves known to each other well. Since I had no other company than Varun, we started letting in each other’s words settle in our minds and slowly our comfort ring started getting elongated and overlapping at some point of time. We had few areas of conversation in which we were freewheeling and few areas of Venn diagram exclusion which we ceased to shade when minutes of silence and emptiness set in.

It’s been two months and we have known each other well. The cab ride extended to MS Office Communicator (Instant Messaging Client) pings and got well extended to evening breaks in the cafeteria for a hot cup of Choco Mocha and Samosa. I was just giving in to the course of life as it came to me. I loved all the attention I received from Varun more than anyone else’s.

One fine evening when we were in the CCD outlet, he said, ‘Ahalya, I wanted to tell you this for a long time but today I take this opportunity to tell you’

I was interestingly sipping the frothy chocolate coffee, when he said, ‘I am….err…kind of….like you so much and am so addicted to you…..”

*silence*

I didn’t know this would dawn so soon on me and I had to face this amid so much people around, walking relentlessly deaf to our conversation. I know I’ve not spoken for nearly 10 minutes after he proposed me. I need to talk and break this silence soon.

I smiled as I looked up onto his face and gave a precise grin. I couldn’t smile wide or keep my expressions mute. I was happy and astonished at the same time. I’ve always been comfortable with him all these days and was just being myself, whenever I was with him, but never gathered the courage or even had the slightest urge to express. But this man who has been my best part of life has said it. I should definitely talk now.

‘Ahalya….’ Varun called out as I came back to my senses.

‘Varun, I too wanted to talk about this, but haven’t got a chance or a moment to tell you. But I am feeling happy to hear this from you’

‘Aaah. So….’, Varun was all inquisitive like a curious Chihuahua and I didn’t want to torture him more, ‘so do you feel the same way I feel about you?’

‘Yes Varun, I guess I too wish you were with me forever. I too like you so much…and’

‘Like you…?’ Varun interrupted, ‘Yes, the same way you feel’ I said and winked.

‘Okay, you mean so much to me Ahalya….,’ Varun spoke out of excitement.

‘I…mean so much….to you?’ I interrupted him this time and stared at his uncomfortable eyes. I know he is feeling the uneasiness to speak it out.

‘Ugh! alright…alright. I’m badly in love with you….’ *phew* ‘enough? I said it. Yes I said it’ Varun was all like a guilty puppy hiding under the pillow.

I wanted to hug him tight and console him but all I could do is, to hit him on his head with my purse which left him sheepishly smile at me as he kneaded his forehead. I didn’t want to subject him to anymore agony.

‘It took you so much time to tell this Mr Varun?’ I teased him sipping my coffee. He was still massaging his forehead where I had affectionately kissed him with my purse. Probably all his reflex and senses weakened as he would have exerted all the courage and strength to utter one simple word to express his love for me.

To me Love wasn’t blind but it was so powerful that one needs courage and strength to express it to a woman.

Love happens for no reason at all. It happened to me.

***

Two years have passed with all good and bad driving us to each other and sometimes away from each other. But every time, I took one step further when he was actually not even ready to take any step to bond our relationship. He has gotten used to my way of accommodating him, for all his wishes which included a list of do’s and don’ts but never ever he has considered my wish or my likes. I don’t know what changed him in these two years, so much that he has stopped caring for me. May be he has got used to my sacrifices. I’ve given more space for him and it’s time for me to seek some space for me too. He should also consider, to get adjusted to few of my little wants of my life.

“Stop it Ahalya, enough, enough of it. Stop this nonsense” my heart reverberated entirely hearing those cantankerous squalls from Varun.

‘Varun, you should sometime give a thought to my heart too. It’s you who loved me so much even before I wasn’t even trying to feel that way’ I cried.

Varun was not able to understand any of my whimpers. He has become so self-centered that he wanted his way of doing things. I have started to understand this now. Even from the beginning he was like this and I was the one who was letting him the way he wanted, in an anticipation that he would give me some day, a chance to let things happen my way. But that day never happened. It was so easy for him to get into this relationship as I was too giving in to his affection. But he never had the subtle hint of carrying it safely to the rest of his life. He couldn’t nurture the true love I had for him. He was so blind to my sacrifices. I had let many things go because he didn’t like it. When I didn’t like it, he wasn’t even ready to understand that he was letting me go out of his hands – out of his life – out of his self-centered world.

Love was really blind in his case!

It’s been a year I got a transfer to a different location and that helped me to carve out a distance away from him. Working in a client location which prohibited me to use my office instant messenger and it kept me away from my native office pings and in turn kept me away from Varun as well. I had ignored his emails and I changed my number too at some point of time.

And now two more years have passed and I’ve moved on completely living a new life, with new outlook and freedom. Now I have new responsibilities. This travel to Sweden is a big turning point of my life and this assignment abroad will be a career boost to me. I’m concentrating much on my career and keen on pursuing my dreams.

***

I woke up with a jolt as my thought trains did a quick rewound of my past and the early morning rays of sun warmed up my forehead. The airhostess politely extended the tray full of cappuccinos and lattes.

I wasn’t ready for another relationship at this point of time. I’ve just started a new life and a new beginning in a new life, though sounded interesting with Guru and his madness for me; I was in a state of cognitive dissonance that caused a duel to my conscious and sub-conscious self.

His words bounced back and forth in my mind

‘When will you come back?’

“I’m not sure guru. I’ve got a job to take care of my career. This was like a dream and aspiration for me. “

‘Hmmm, nygabagam vachuppiya?’

I was happy that I didn’t commit anything to him. I was being careful not to let out any feelings for him. Though he can be a soothing medicine to my wounded heart, I wasn’t ready for another heart break. I have ceased to have faith on men in general.

I’ve a career ahead of me. I’ll follow my mind and pursue my dreams for now and choose to ignore my heart because our mind is educated, it is taught what is right and what is wrong, but heart is childish, immature and selfish. It wishes for things without premise.

As the translucent clouds strode past the window, I could see my thoughts too drifted along with it.

Time answers every question in the paper of life!

***

To be continued by Deepa Iyer on 20/02/2013 – a foodie, home chef, a voracious reader who can finish a book in a non-stop-one-night read and a die hard romantic. She blogs at http://jiljilramamani.blogspot.com

10 thoughts on “CBC Valentine’s Day Post – Chapter 7 – Ahalya Ramanathan

  1. Pingback: CBC’S The Valentine’s Day: One Post One Scene Tag | PassionofaSoul

  2. !!! whoa!!! ennathu kathaiye maaridichi..!!! and woww!!! what a flow!! dint realise i had reached the end of the post..avlo fasta poachu!! kalakreengapa!!

  3. That falling in love is easy but staying in it and rising in it is difficult, is what came to my mind after reading this post. So long it had been mush and longing but now you gave a reality check with practical issues. This is a point where the story will appeal to our brains rather than our hearts.

    Great going, Kalyan. Nalla kadha vidriye.

    Joy always,
    Susan

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