See what I found

The other day when I was cleaning my room, I caught hold of some old things stocked up in my top shelf. Now that they have been unearthed, it made me think the times we have crossed. The times, we didn’t have access to things that made life easier, the times, ‘knowing’ Computers was all that jazz. Google was only a search engine.

Then this thing ‘Floppy’ which we carried around everywhere like how we carry 1TB external hard disk these days. It is so amazing to realize that our technological urge didn’t go beyond 1.44 MB worth of data. What else do we carry around in a floppy? A softcopy of the resume to be sent to the employer or a powerpoint presentation to be presented for a college seminar. That’s all!

But now, pen drives and hard disks are full of data with no free space, but our desires are still unfilled. With the emerging trends in the cloud storage, Google Drive, One Drive, Dropbox and iCloud are doing their part to help seamless availability of data.

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Please let me know if you have any questions

Please let me know if you have any questions

How innocent this statement looks but don’t sink in to the deception, I will assist you to be aware of the ramifications that this statement may lead to. Having worked in IT industry for enough long years, I’ve acquired the tacit cognizance not only to read in between the lines of emails but also to penetrate into it and sectumsempra the whole thing to extract the intended insinuation.

Well, after having composed and in the process of composing oodles of corporate emails to immediate bosses, clients, users, teams, alien teams and acquaintances sitting oceans far away or as close as in the next cubicle, I had to admit that, the monotony of this phrase is more nuzzled than the mere obligation of it. Every time I finish composing an email, I feel something is missing in the whole email draft and suddenly realize that, the parting shot misses the most worshipped phrase ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’ and so I diligently type it out at the end of the body which gives a sense of completeness to the email, like that of the holy ‘Thachi Mammu’ at the end of a heavy South Indian meal.

Few use this statement just for the sake of it. Few use it just to sound concerned. Few use it to feel complete (Complete Man – Raymond’s!). Few use it just to be careful and get a feeling of being in the crowd and not left out. Only few choose to know the real meaning of it and act accordingly.

Though this invites ‘further communication’ from the recipient, sometimes it doesn’t invite at all. When your manager sends an email with such a parting shot, some choose to stick to ‘I don’t have any questions’ mode to avoid any repercussion of their flushed out eccentricities. Some actually have things to say and so they immediately run their fingers on the keyboard as if running it against one’s girlfriend’s contours, ramming the keyboard to an extent that the keys go weak in their knees and beg your sympathy, shedding copious amount of audible tears. These species never fail to end their reply with the same blessed phrase of, ‘Ohh please god damn, let me know, if you gosh have, any freaking questions!’

This gets so monotonous at some point of time that you actually choose to ignore this and end the email blatantly with main content. You feel so bored even to take questions from the other end. Sometimes, it will be so boring day that, you actually wish no one comes back with any questions. You may want to keep the tone of the email as concerned as possible but ignoring this phrase might end up as if you are not so involved in the task at hand. So you invariably end up putting that phrase at the end of the email and silently pray all Gods one by one wishing the recipients to be as lazy as you. Some strategically compose such emails towards the end of the day, and press the button SEND SEND SEND for each draft consecutively in quick succession… like pressing the trigger of the MG3 7.62mm machine gun so that they don’t have to wait for the reply and can always check the next day.

Sometimes, the content of the email would be so small but still people prefer to make it wholesome with this phrase.

Sample this,


Hi Ben,
The report is sent.
Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks & Regards,
Hey I am the Please-let-me-know-if-you-have-any-questions lover

Yes I admit, this phrase can be email filler. It makes the email appear as if the content is huge and it is trying to convey quite a lot of information sarcastically.  So the above email with the phrase can connote:

Hey Ben, Hope you received the crappy report which you asked me to send. Dude, this gotta be crazy, it’s just a simple report which you might have generated yourself. It’s just two minutes of effing mouse click and I gotta log this task in my timesheet since you had sent it to me. I would have probably grabbed an ‘Egg Puff’ in the pantry by the time I logged into the ftp client sitting at the remote machine or rather I would have taken two three sips of Bru coffee with the Sunfeast Marie Light Oats Biscuit.

Anyway, don’t get back to me with any sorta questions or whatever. Do ping me, if am free I’ll reply. I gotta go. Ciao!

Got that?

Well, it does convey such deep meanings in a single line.

In other cases some dread the usage of such phrase during critical times.


Hi <the-most-admired-person>,

As discussed two centuries back (Read – two days back), I’ll be on leave till Tuesday.

Please let me know if you have any questions. (*Sincerely prays God and touches black color while typing this email which would evade all evil eyes and brings good luck*)

Thanks & Regards,
Hey I am afraid to use Please-let-me-know-if-you-have-any-questions dude.

People dread this phrase I say. What if your boss changes the mind and only because you have mentioned ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’, he/she gets back to you with – ‘Well, can you cut down your leave by a day and be back to office by Monday?’. In order to avoid all such ill fate, few gallop away from this dreadful phrase and try not to make it more obvious to get back to them.

This statement has gained corporate attention, since it conveys quite a lot of emotions than a Kathak dancer!


Hi <some-poor-fella>

I cannot approve your release as the metrics in the DOSA dashboard cannot reach 201% compliance without your humble presence. Innovation in the lines of Ghee Dosa, Onion Rava would go bleak if you don’t make yourself available before the dough kneading Tool.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks,
Parotta Master


This dreadful phrase in the above email conveys some simple things without being explicitly declared. First, dude you are screwed, trash your release request. Second, how can you get released when you are the only one taking care of this DOSA module? Having an IDLI person for a DOSA can lead to change in the DOSA parameters which can affect the quality of the deliverables. And finally, now I think you don’t have any questions to ask!

Indigenous use of this phrase has made oneself more competent in the lines of the prudent usage of this phrase. Some acquire this skill to use it at the right time. Six Sigma Green Belt Certifications are not necessary to master the technique of such usage. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar who preaches ‘Art of living’ has decided to impart this niche skill to everyone in his spiritual masses.

I also notice that this ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’ culture has deeply penetrated into the young minds and they have started believing that it is some sort of customary ritual that is being followed in the project. They have started appending it to every other email they are sending out. It becomes the email mantra. They chant this at the end of every email.

Lastly I heard from one of my friends that, someone made a blasphemous use of this statement and it was being circulated only among the near and dear ones in the company in the form of forward emails.

The email read:


(Names have been changed to protect the identity & dignity of the email sender)

Dear <sincere-girl-who-works-in-my-project>,

Many more happy returns of the day!

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks & Regards,
Very-Very-Very-Busy-Boss


Alright, so I have decided to create an e-learning material on this industry buzz phrase which will be of greater help for the freshers and laterals who join the company. I hope I made myself clear.

Please let me know if you have any questions!

Thanks & Reg….Ohhh sigh! Cut the crap!

Chalo then. Bubye!

Cognizant Innovation Summit 2011 – Ankit Fadia TED Style Talk

Cognizant Innovation Summit 2011 posters were so inviting which has invited speakers all over the world to dissipate knowledge and learning in the field of innovation. I was a part of Social Media – Live Blogging & Live Cweeting team which proved to be a wonderful opportunity to interact with many bloggers around the locations and witness mind blowing talks and get enthralled with the proceedings of the events.

Hack, Whack & Shack was the TED style talk session on Day-2 (Nov 16 2011) by Ankit Fadia who is an independent computer security and digital intelligence consultant with definitive experience in the field of Internet security based out of the Silicon Valley in California, USA.

He was young energetic and full of josh on the dais. He started with his life history of how it all happened. He narrated an incident that happened in Mumbai where a woman’s computer connected to the internet with the webcam was attacked and how an unknown hacker broke into her system online and the webcam was switched permanently on. This led to the live broadcasting of the activities in her small room in a porn internet site for around two weeks or so without her knowledge. Life was very normal for her but to the world, her privacy was compromised. Later one day when she attended a job interview, the interviewer was more than happy to offer her a job because she was very famous in a porn website and saw everything of her live. Only then she realized the security and privacy breach that has happened in her computer.

The remaining of the session was all about his life history.

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Atlast the Bug was caught

A little long P.S:

I took this picture late at night around 1.30 am when I was watching a movie in my comp on a Friday night. That insect was irritating me crawling all around the Hero’s, Heroine’s and possibly on everyone’s face in the monitor. It was because the light was switched off (I know its a bad habit to see a monitor with all the lights switched off!) and the monitor was the only source of light in the room.

I shooed it away. but it kept crawling over the monitor. Suddenly it struck me. not sure if the movie I was watching did the effect (Tron Legacy!) I quickly went to my other room, took out my SLR, slid the battery in and came back to my comp, opened a sample C program and was there all set with my cam focused on the monitor, as how a soldier waits for the target with his sniper!

The insect didnt come! 😐

I uneasily waited for it around 10 minutes and there it was again in the corner of the screen, I was waiting for it to come near the code snippet at appropriate place so that I can have a shot at it. I even used my mouse pointer to guide it to the center of the monitor or amid the code snippet, duh!

I was waiting patiently with one hand in the Camera button and other in the Lens focus ring. After some 10 minutes, it flew around the corner and came and sat right in the center. I was all excited again, focused my cam, adjusted the zoom and there I clicked.

*cluck*

The  fly flew away with the click sound. The image was also not proper. Insect was skewed and composition was little bad. Later I realized that there was pin drop silence in the room and hence the shutter sound frightened the fly! (Not sure if the fly can hear sounds!)

*sigh*

I then devised the plan. I played the movie in the background little loud in the speakers and then again setting my camera right (ISO 1600). This time took few shots of the code to check if the shutter sound is barely audible. Yeah! it wasn’t audible.

Now again some 15 minutes of waiting, there came the fly marching up from the ‘int nmax’, I quickly zoomed and there it goes, three shots!

Aaaah! Watte satisfaction!

Atlast the Bug was caught.

P.P.S: I should show the same dedication while de’bug’ging my COBOL code in office!

Pinging from future

Have you ever been bored to death on a saturday afternoon and found no solace in your idiot box which always telecasts serials, neither the system full of movies and songs helped, nor Facebook, Twitter  gave a shoulder?

Yes, I’ve been subjected to such a situation and so I decided to shred some boredom. The last opened extracover.net was still open in my Firefox and some unexplainable force in me pointed me towards the bottom right corner where some online Ad was blinking in Red. It was a small box of ad about omegle website, which enables you to talk to strangers with complete anonymity.

I just thought of giving it a try, since you need not give your name or location or any details. It is upto you what you share and what you dont! (Come on you dont have to create or have an account in it, like the old school of Yahoo Messenger Chat Rooms where you require a  Yahoo email ID)

I opened the website and it offered me TEXT/VIDEO Chat. I selected TEXT chat. First few pings were from desperate guys craving for a horny chat. Everyone started with the famous ping

“ASL?”

I plainly disconnected the chat, initiating a new converstation with some random stranger. This happened quite a few times.

So when I disconnected the penultimate stranger who was asking me if I was Horny, a new converstation session was established and then came something interesting. In one of such random pings, there was someone who was more interested in establishing a conversation rather than knowing if the other side is a female stranger!

The remaining of our converstation went quite surprisingly interesting and we were totally in a different world of far future. A scientific possibility of a fictitious world.

In the chat, Stranger is referred by the same name and I am referred as “You”.

Presenting you the original transcript of our Omegle chat without any edits, right from the Omegle conversation initiation message!

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