See what I found

The other day when I was cleaning my room, I caught hold of some old things stocked up in my top shelf. Now that they have been unearthed, it made me think the times we have crossed. The times, we didn’t have access to things that made life easier, the times, ‘knowing’ Computers was all that jazz. Google was only a search engine.

Then this thing ‘Floppy’ which we carried around everywhere like how we carry 1TB external hard disk these days. It is so amazing to realize that our technological urge didn’t go beyond 1.44 MB worth of data. What else do we carry around in a floppy? A softcopy of the resume to be sent to the employer or a powerpoint presentation to be presented for a college seminar. That’s all!

But now, pen drives and hard disks are full of data with no free space, but our desires are still unfilled. With the emerging trends in the cloud storage, Google Drive, One Drive, Dropbox and iCloud are doing their part to help seamless availability of data.

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Please let me know if you have any questions

Please let me know if you have any questions

How innocent this statement looks but don’t sink in to the deception, I will assist you to be aware of the ramifications that this statement may lead to. Having worked in IT industry for enough long years, I’ve acquired the tacit cognizance not only to read in between the lines of emails but also to penetrate into it and sectumsempra the whole thing to extract the intended insinuation.

Well, after having composed and in the process of composing oodles of corporate emails to immediate bosses, clients, users, teams, alien teams and acquaintances sitting oceans far away or as close as in the next cubicle, I had to admit that, the monotony of this phrase is more nuzzled than the mere obligation of it. Every time I finish composing an email, I feel something is missing in the whole email draft and suddenly realize that, the parting shot misses the most worshipped phrase ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’ and so I diligently type it out at the end of the body which gives a sense of completeness to the email, like that of the holy ‘Thachi Mammu’ at the end of a heavy South Indian meal.

Few use this statement just for the sake of it. Few use it just to sound concerned. Few use it to feel complete (Complete Man – Raymond’s!). Few use it just to be careful and get a feeling of being in the crowd and not left out. Only few choose to know the real meaning of it and act accordingly.

Though this invites ‘further communication’ from the recipient, sometimes it doesn’t invite at all. When your manager sends an email with such a parting shot, some choose to stick to ‘I don’t have any questions’ mode to avoid any repercussion of their flushed out eccentricities. Some actually have things to say and so they immediately run their fingers on the keyboard as if running it against one’s girlfriend’s contours, ramming the keyboard to an extent that the keys go weak in their knees and beg your sympathy, shedding copious amount of audible tears. These species never fail to end their reply with the same blessed phrase of, ‘Ohh please god damn, let me know, if you gosh have, any freaking questions!’

This gets so monotonous at some point of time that you actually choose to ignore this and end the email blatantly with main content. You feel so bored even to take questions from the other end. Sometimes, it will be so boring day that, you actually wish no one comes back with any questions. You may want to keep the tone of the email as concerned as possible but ignoring this phrase might end up as if you are not so involved in the task at hand. So you invariably end up putting that phrase at the end of the email and silently pray all Gods one by one wishing the recipients to be as lazy as you. Some strategically compose such emails towards the end of the day, and press the button SEND SEND SEND for each draft consecutively in quick succession… like pressing the trigger of the MG3 7.62mm machine gun so that they don’t have to wait for the reply and can always check the next day.

Sometimes, the content of the email would be so small but still people prefer to make it wholesome with this phrase.

Sample this,


Hi Ben,
The report is sent.
Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks & Regards,
Hey I am the Please-let-me-know-if-you-have-any-questions lover

Yes I admit, this phrase can be email filler. It makes the email appear as if the content is huge and it is trying to convey quite a lot of information sarcastically.  So the above email with the phrase can connote:

Hey Ben, Hope you received the crappy report which you asked me to send. Dude, this gotta be crazy, it’s just a simple report which you might have generated yourself. It’s just two minutes of effing mouse click and I gotta log this task in my timesheet since you had sent it to me. I would have probably grabbed an ‘Egg Puff’ in the pantry by the time I logged into the ftp client sitting at the remote machine or rather I would have taken two three sips of Bru coffee with the Sunfeast Marie Light Oats Biscuit.

Anyway, don’t get back to me with any sorta questions or whatever. Do ping me, if am free I’ll reply. I gotta go. Ciao!

Got that?

Well, it does convey such deep meanings in a single line.

In other cases some dread the usage of such phrase during critical times.


Hi <the-most-admired-person>,

As discussed two centuries back (Read – two days back), I’ll be on leave till Tuesday.

Please let me know if you have any questions. (*Sincerely prays God and touches black color while typing this email which would evade all evil eyes and brings good luck*)

Thanks & Regards,
Hey I am afraid to use Please-let-me-know-if-you-have-any-questions dude.

People dread this phrase I say. What if your boss changes the mind and only because you have mentioned ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’, he/she gets back to you with – ‘Well, can you cut down your leave by a day and be back to office by Monday?’. In order to avoid all such ill fate, few gallop away from this dreadful phrase and try not to make it more obvious to get back to them.

This statement has gained corporate attention, since it conveys quite a lot of emotions than a Kathak dancer!


Hi <some-poor-fella>

I cannot approve your release as the metrics in the DOSA dashboard cannot reach 201% compliance without your humble presence. Innovation in the lines of Ghee Dosa, Onion Rava would go bleak if you don’t make yourself available before the dough kneading Tool.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks,
Parotta Master


This dreadful phrase in the above email conveys some simple things without being explicitly declared. First, dude you are screwed, trash your release request. Second, how can you get released when you are the only one taking care of this DOSA module? Having an IDLI person for a DOSA can lead to change in the DOSA parameters which can affect the quality of the deliverables. And finally, now I think you don’t have any questions to ask!

Indigenous use of this phrase has made oneself more competent in the lines of the prudent usage of this phrase. Some acquire this skill to use it at the right time. Six Sigma Green Belt Certifications are not necessary to master the technique of such usage. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar who preaches ‘Art of living’ has decided to impart this niche skill to everyone in his spiritual masses.

I also notice that this ‘Please let me know if you have any questions’ culture has deeply penetrated into the young minds and they have started believing that it is some sort of customary ritual that is being followed in the project. They have started appending it to every other email they are sending out. It becomes the email mantra. They chant this at the end of every email.

Lastly I heard from one of my friends that, someone made a blasphemous use of this statement and it was being circulated only among the near and dear ones in the company in the form of forward emails.

The email read:


(Names have been changed to protect the identity & dignity of the email sender)

Dear <sincere-girl-who-works-in-my-project>,

Many more happy returns of the day!

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks & Regards,
Very-Very-Very-Busy-Boss


Alright, so I have decided to create an e-learning material on this industry buzz phrase which will be of greater help for the freshers and laterals who join the company. I hope I made myself clear.

Please let me know if you have any questions!

Thanks & Reg….Ohhh sigh! Cut the crap!

Chalo then. Bubye!

The quintessential Idli – a mathematical wonder!

A quick stroll in the early mornings, on the roads of various cities of Tamilnadu, can give you a wonderful sight of the paradigmatic idli under mass production in the road side Tiffin centres. The white steam emanating out of the ellipsoidical fermented dough of de-husked black lentils which are steamed in the shallow parabolic molds, serves as the staple tiffin the southern parts of ‘United States of India’.

The wolfram mathematics community proudly affirms the universal fact that idli and ellipsoid has fundamental Cartesian relationship with each other than any other shapes in the world of mathematics. The morning hunger can never be satisfied by any other shapes like stuffed semi spheres (Burgers) or even cylinders (Kola Puttu, No offence meant as we already have water issues with them!) which can have adverse effects on our bowel systems. The magnanimity of such oral daintiness is its cheap and easy availability and you never need a management graduate from IIM A or even a B, to come up with JIT management systems or Lean manufacturing techniques. An over-production in the idli, never ends up as a waste. It can always be re-engineered and value added to invent a new item called ‘Idli Uppuma’ or it can also be cut into pieces and can be sautéed to be christened as ‘Fried Idlis’ which can be served with same set of condiments.

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Cognizant Innovation Summit 2011 – Ankit Fadia TED Style Talk

Cognizant Innovation Summit 2011 posters were so inviting which has invited speakers all over the world to dissipate knowledge and learning in the field of innovation. I was a part of Social Media – Live Blogging & Live Cweeting team which proved to be a wonderful opportunity to interact with many bloggers around the locations and witness mind blowing talks and get enthralled with the proceedings of the events.

Hack, Whack & Shack was the TED style talk session on Day-2 (Nov 16 2011) by Ankit Fadia who is an independent computer security and digital intelligence consultant with definitive experience in the field of Internet security based out of the Silicon Valley in California, USA.

He was young energetic and full of josh on the dais. He started with his life history of how it all happened. He narrated an incident that happened in Mumbai where a woman’s computer connected to the internet with the webcam was attacked and how an unknown hacker broke into her system online and the webcam was switched permanently on. This led to the live broadcasting of the activities in her small room in a porn internet site for around two weeks or so without her knowledge. Life was very normal for her but to the world, her privacy was compromised. Later one day when she attended a job interview, the interviewer was more than happy to offer her a job because she was very famous in a porn website and saw everything of her live. Only then she realized the security and privacy breach that has happened in her computer.

The remaining of the session was all about his life history.

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Of Dears, Casinos & Pills

If I caught your mind right, you are just speculating that this post will be all about illegal money business and night clubs flowing whooping quantities of money and wines over wealthy beasts accompanied by skimpy clad beauties and then following dotted, flavored desserts post ‘dinner’ (Papads or appalams I meant!). Well you are in the wrong side of your brain’s hemisphere!

I was about to touch the most ignored topic in the world of inbox and accounts.

SPAMS.

Yeah, we never ever cared what is there in the hopelessly unrelated mails that fall in our inbox knowingly or unknowingly. But something that makes me wonder about those spams is, from where in the world do all those pharmacies around the world get our email ids? Leave aside job openings and banks, sending phishing emails expecting us to sign our papers right away and catch a flight to meet some Anderson or Jimmy Paul who ever existed or never existed at all.

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