A page from a diary!

Her eyes were so addictive!

So powerful that it housed a strong magnetism to leave one astounded with the power, it holds someone in its charm. Many times, I have stolen few glances to drown myself in her presence, by giving in to my involuntary urge to look at her, which filled my cognizance with her hypnotic glances, whenever she brought herself in the vicinity, with a bag slung on her shoulders, searching for a place to settle in for a quick dine. Some instinct in me which changed my body metabolism altogether, increasing my heart rate slightly by few numbers, was a due manifestation of her proximity around me.

I’ve never gotten an opportunity to divert myself away from her mesmerizing eyes, whenever I steal a glance at her. My senses fail miserably in front of her fascinating grasp that holds me right in her eyes – just there, just precisely there in those glimmering spheres, ruthlessly clamping me there, craving for such nirvana for eternity.

Never been in my lifetime I was subjected to such enslavement with an astounding pair of eyes.

She was gifted with a monopolistic spell to captivate someone, just by looking at her eyes. Those eyes exerted so much force to weaken someone’s heart without the knowledge of the ones who are sanctified with that blessed look. I had to give in myself to such vulnerability. My senses weakened, the heart thumped faster and I was invariably tethered to them. I felt more weaker, when my eyes lost contact. The craving grew stronger when I missed her presence for a longer duration. It became a habit – an addiction for the eyes – inquisitive and ingenuous.

I was invariably falling for her, for her eyes that pushed me down – down to her feet, left me weakened in her presence. After sweeping some courage that was left in me, I decided to let her know what someone felt, ‘When you love a woman, you tell her that she’s the one, because she needs somebody, to tell her that you’ll always be together…’. So as the train came to a screeching halt, it brought my heart to a momentary halt too, and then I got up from my seat and alighted the train, to lessen my distance from her and started walking in the crowd, feeling lonely altogether, with her only company of her name driving me forward. As the distance diminished between us, from her behind, I knew my memory is slowly drifting too. All my rehearsed sentences started to fade. Sigh! Why it isn’t easy to let someone know that they are being loved? I was feeling claustrophobic even in that wide open platform where the crowd barged towards the exit. How am I going to ad-lib right in her face, being subjected to those shimmering eyes watching me with full attention?

With the pace I was walking, I sensed I wouldn’t reach her anytime. So I accelerated my pace slightly and followed her. Five seconds was all I took and I was beside her. With all my energy propelled up, I called out her name and said, ‘Hi’

A simple ‘Hi’ came out with so much aeration. Her quick turn to the right, unplugging the earphones from her slender ears and a jerk halt, assured me that I was loud enough for her to hear me.

I stared at her with my heart in full acceleration and I knew I am going to fumble. I was experiencing that moment, when you prepare for an extempore and remember each line perfectly well till when you reach the podium mic and then everything goes blank seeing the audience. She was my only audience and I was the only one who was to recite everything to perfection.

I went totally blank!

I couldn’t see her eyes. The Kajal was still intact embellishing her eyes or rather her eyes were garnishing the Kajal with its beauty and sorcery. It conveyed innumerable thoughts, she never spoke.

It was so powerful and was pointing to this stranger with full attention, who just called out her name. A full Sixty seconds of ciphered memory is all I remember and a line from in between, ‘I like you so much’ and a dim memory and then, ‘…I’m kind of mad at you’ and few seconds later, I felt as if I came back to my senses, when I was done talking. I felt tired as if all the energy that was charged has been drained out just for these sixty seconds of hazed memory. It was really so tough to propose and I did it.

She smiled; her eye lids battled to hold those inquisitive and thoughtful eyes, which have gathered some jolt from someone, who she has seen just today – may be some time back in the afternoon. But lesser did she know that she has been admired for months together.

Her bewitching smile and her casual head tilt was all enough for me to sense that she was feeling safe and not intimidated. It gave me a sense of gratification that I didn’t make anyone uncomfortable. As soon as I was ready to absorb whatever that was going to come to me, she said, ‘mmm…this is new to me…,’ with her sweetest tone and composure. After a thoughtful pause, she quoted, ‘this is not going to work out’.

Disappointment set in and I felt as if I had lost all my weapons and no lifelines. I am all by myself and she was there again with her addictive eyes, numbing out my presence of mind. What followed later was kinda soothing my senses. We were talking – talking in general – simple exchanges. It didn’t last longer. How can someone be so polite, sweet and hurting at the same time? I didn’t know what to defend. I didn’t know how to plead. I felt helpless. I wanted to be lying in her arms, her fingers caressing my hair on my forehead, drifting me to peace and calmness, whenever I was helpless but not helpless on my feet like this. I knew what started a few minutes back, came to an end so soon. And she said, ‘This won’t work out and I don’t want to give any false hopes, so we’ll see…I mean, not about this, hope you understand. See you then. Bye’ and then she walked away unceremoniously into the crowd, taking away with her, my weakened heart, probably in her bag slung on her shoulders, as how Richard Parker walked away into the jungle, onshore in ‘Life of Pi’. As she climbed up the stairs and disappeared in the crowd, I was left like a boy stranded in a festive crowd, though the whole station was brimming with noisy people swishing past to and fro.

I could hear the sound of engine approaching the platform, the Doppler Effect at its best. I know my train has come and I had to leave. I wished I could see her footsteps, at least to fill the void where my heart was previously with those footprints, which would keep me alive. The heart was still thumping, but there was no life in it. It just stayed with her, in those addictive eyes, leaving me, when she walked away.

***

I tried my best to explain, but she was never ready to listen.

But I can see the smile sometimes, when she is around me, which I know she needs me. But I sometimes just try to avoid those eyes; nevertheless I fail miserably to do it. Every second is spent in its memory, rewinding the past again and again iterating it endlessly. Her face appears in every face I see. Memories are not too volatile to be erased. She still lingers in my thoughts all the time, everywhere. None of the eyes, interest me these days. Helplessness is sowing seeds of despair and longingness. What if she too liked me? I know I wasn’t that bad for hatred. I deserved some love and she too deserved mine, unconditionally. I want to be mad on someone, live my life for them and shower all happiness in the world and undeniably she is the one.

I’m still waiting, waiting for those eyes to accept me and hold me again, to bind me with affection so that I get drowned in those eyes, not fearing of any depth and darkness, weakened by her presence. Acceptance is all required to become strong again – to shield her from all the evils in this world and not letting any tears leave those lovely possessions of mine. Hope is still lighting the wick of the candle of my life.

Hope she is mine!

***

PS: Know more about Experimental Fiction –> HERE

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I’m Tagged !

OK…this Tag Bug has struck me too :-). I used to always think of, how this tagging seems to be interesting to people. Then I found out that, only when you are subjected to the process, you will experience the happiness. So I’m subjecting myself to this Tag Thinggy as of now. Fine then, enough of my intro and blah blahs. Lemme directly start blurting out the secrets one by one. I’ve tried hard and squeezed my little brains to filter these secrets :-D.

1.  I seriously don’t have any interest in Sports.

I see that I don’t have any sort of relevance to this field. In all my social networking profiles or in college/school application forms, one column is definitely left blank or it is filled with N/A. So whenever people ask me what’s the score machi? I used to smile and coolly say, I didn’t see the match. So bloggers and strangers out here in World Wide Web don’t ever take any efforts to shoot this Nasty question to me. You won’t get any useful reply 🙂

2. I like Car Racing.

Now do not ask me, “Do I watch F1 Race” Neither do I watch it. Of course it is a sport. But don’t have any passion as such. It is just that in between switching channels, if I happen to register a small sequence of car racing with all those CASTROL, COLDFUSION kinda AD paintings in the car decals, I always pause for a moment and watch the car race. That’s it.  And yea I do play NFS (Need For Speed Car Racing Game) and I go mad on NFS Most Wanted races. I did not get a chance to play NFS Carbon! I always wanted to participate once in the race, though I’m not as good as Michael Schumacher, Naren Karthikeyan or Ultimate Star Ajith Kumar. I did got a chance to do that. I happen to go for a Go-Carting when I was in Mysore. That was indeed a great drive with kewl bends and turns. Wooooooow !

3. I do not know how to Cook :-(.

Oh My Gawwwd, I have told the most dangerous (for me) secrets of the world. Any guy should have been acquainted to cooking things. My mom’s those words, still reverberating deep inside my cranial cavity “Vijay can cook payasam, vattha kolambu, and paruppu koottu. Neeyum  kathukko. Illena Pinnadi kashtapaduvey” . It’s true I guess. Nowadays, wives do not come with cooking patches installed. They need to upgrade to cooking version only after the one time update called Marriage v1.0. Anyways, after a self introspection, I stood by the side of my sister and learnt how to cook Maggi !

4. I am a Gadget Freak.

Any new gadget that comes to the market, I’m the first one to waste few bandwidths of my BSNL Unlimited Internet Connection to Google and get details out of it. Starting from iPhone, Nokia N97, Morph, MotoRokr, Sony VAIO Pocket PC etc, I go mad on things like this. Anyways, I didn’t sleep till 2.00 AM when I got my MOTO Rokr E6 Touch Screen Mobile. As if newly married, I spent full time with it, to get to know the in & out of it . Still I love my Mobile. My Sweet Rocky !! 🙂

5. I am one Lazy fellow…

Ahem ahem…I am serious about this. People know my true face only when they knock my doors on a Saturday morning and enter my bedroom….to wake me up. That’s a Herculean task! I never get up from the bed until I really need to. I love being in bed and sleep for the whole day. Hostel days were Heaven. Because, those were the times, when nobody would be around to knock my doors on a Saturday morning! I can write a lot more on this topic and I have already written a lot. Well don’t have patience to write more than this. OK Next secret please…

6. I fell in Love

Shhh…I fell in love with Trisha from the time, when I heard the song from the movie Saami, “Kalyanam daan kattikittu odi polaamaa…”. I assumed it as “Kalyan-ah daan kattikittu odi polaamaa?” hehe 😀 :-D…so funny is it? I have a great collections of her pics in my system and in my mobile. Well nothing more to say. I do not know to act like her. But my actions are always governed by my mind becoz, I don’t have my heart with me and you all know the reason as well. So…that was my love story. Still am in Love with her. And if you happen to be Trisha reading this, kindly take this as a proposal and I do remember you date of birth May 4th 1983.  I know u may ask, “But what’s the big deal here?” It is just that, I was too born on May. Dont you see this as a first match?..hehe…SAME PINCH ! 😛

7. I like bird watching (No comments!) 😛

8. Cryptography has been my great passion since my school days. Used to fidget with a chunk of texts and number a lot (Another Dan Brown in Line!)

9. I had kissed a girl when I was in 1st standard. And that girl is my sissy who was drinking milk in her small feeding bottle in the cradle. She licked me back in my cheeks..Soooooo cuuute know?? 🙂 🙂

9a. “Show Me The Meaning – Backstreet Boys” is my all time favorite

9b. Shakira is my all time favorite solo female singer

9c. I enjoy writing.

I discovered this skill in me, only in my late college days, though I had started blogging during my mid college days itself. I found a budding author in me who can write Gud Stories and articles which has attracted many of the people I see, meet, and blog. It really gives me a confidence and relaxation (though I feel tiring to sit and type using a dumb keyboard !), that keeps me going and makes life interesting and beckons a convivial atmosphere in WWW

10. I like travelling in Train

Yea, I like this a lot. Donno, why do I become so nostalgic, when I think about trains? When I was a kid, I always wanted to have a corner seat….stuck in the corner of the Window Seat, gazing the scenery which drift past backward. I sometimes think, how do these trees and landscape move in the opposite direction to that of the train’s? And when you look into the railway tracks, that too in a junction, they seem to spread apart and close into one single strand of metal beam. I always wondered how these things happen. Once when we crossed the level crossing in a roadway, I bent down and tried pulling those tracks with my hands. That sounds funny now.

Now, I guess, 10 points are more than enough, as long list may not attract the readers to go through it. Fine then, my job is done. Lemme tag all my fellow bloggers and encumber them to put their secrets in their blog. Happy Reading! & thanks Gracy for tagging me.

Tagged :-  Gautam:: Gracelyn :: Jeega :: Kamal :: Muthu :: Priyanka :: Shyamala :: Subu :: Utkarsh :: Vinoth :: Yeshu